Doctor, Doctor
I think I'm a cat?
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten I guess!

Doctor, Doctor
I've got insomnia
Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off!

Doctor, Doctor
Is there anything wrong with my heart?
After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do!!

Doctor, Doctor
I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor Doctor
I'm not well - can you give me something to make me better?
Take 2 teaspoons of this after every meal?
But Doctor, I've only got one teaspoon?

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitivetribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Maths and Science.One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence of what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their porch.

A mother tomato and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby tomato starts to lag behind so the mother tomato goes back and says "ketchup!"

A man walks into his doctors office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear."Whats the matter with me?", he asked. The doctor says, "You're not eating properly."